well add one more to the list of things I can no longer say I've never done.

Alix and I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes and walked down main street smoking just because we damn well could.

So we walked and then we sat on a bench and smoked and talked and then we drove back to her place and picked up Calvin and drove up to the top of my grandmother's property and I climbed over the gate and sat and smoked and looked up at the stars.

Sitting up there at night and smoking has been something I've wanted to do for years. It's just..the perfect place to do it. I've only been up there once (maybe twice) since my grandfather died because it never seemed like exactly the right setting. This time it did. I only wish I'd had more time.

It was a moment that needed to be savored, and it's hard to savor a moment with two people complaining about how cold it is and asking you to hurry up. But that's quite alright, because they went out of their way to bring me there at all and let me sit and smoke a cigarette and look at the stars and think my silly, lonely, depressed thoughts.

So I smoked a cigarette in honor of my dying family and the new offshoots that are coming up. I smoked in honor of Catullo and Grubbs and Krissy. I smoked in honor of Rebecca and Ry and Renee and Ian.

And now I'm done, and all I wish is that I could have stayed there a little longer in the dark, watching the end of my cigarette glowing and watching the smoke against the stars.

Too bad I hate the taste and the smell and the fact that it makes my lungs burn when I inhale too fast. Heh.

So I'm all gross and tired and headachy and smoky. But I did my little rebellious and self-destructive thing without slitting my wrists, getting drunk, dyeing my hair an unnatural color, or piercing any part of my body. Of course, I did suck down carcinogens for two hours, but hey. If you're going to be rebellious and self-destructive and stupid..

I guess you really just shouldn't be. But oh well. What's done is done. Sometimes, you just need to do something.

Because this world just goes too fast sometimes.

Love,
Beth

it was taking more time than usual to choose
words to go with your squeaky sandal shoes

but time is not a thing
that's ours to lose..

And don't you feel today, too?



< poetry - flickr - here - then - >