I'd rather be a particle of your light
moving over the face of the deep
sometimes it's hard deciding what's the worst. the crippling pain? the exhaustion? the muscle aches? the tension? the stress? the dizziness?
all I know is that I want it to be over now. I don't want to spend the rest of this week taking hydrocodone as often as I can without killing myself.
Thank God I have tomorrow off.
(interlude)
to a certain person who no longer reads my diary (rendering this interlude pointless): of course I care that you're hurt. Of course. I care, and I hate it that you're hurt, especially because of me. But you aren't being fair. I love you--always will. Take care.
Yeah. So maybe someone who knows him and knows what this is all about can tell him to swallow his pride and psuedo-hatred of me to come read that.
(end interlude)
Dad's taking me out to a movie tonight and I don't even want to walk. Bleh.
It's dangerous, too. I can't take any sort of painkiller that works during the day because it knocks me out and I have to be able to drive and be responsible for two kids. But it's just as bad when I'm driving and pain his me so strongly that my arms jerk and I nearly drive off the road. It's just as bad when I'm holding the baby and suddenly am so weak and so disoriented from pain that I nearly drop her.
Two times today at work I had to lie down simply because I couldn't stand up. I feel bad just sitting the kids down in front of the tv all day but at least when they're there they aren't roaming all over the house getting into things. At least then I can feel relatively secure about the fact that I can't run after them if something goes wrong.
But it comes and goes. One minute I'm fine, the next minute I can't move. I keep falling, or nearly falling, or losing my balance, or things like that. It's (kind of) scary.
Bleh. Webster's on the phone. I'm gonna go.
love,
Beth
today, too?