AAAAAAAUGH!
So I had an entry all written and it got erased right before I was ready to post it. Ugh.
Let me try and reconstruct my thoughts.
So. How are you supposed to react when someone who is supposedly in love with you--who wants you to move down to their city to be with them, who wants to "give you a chance" suddenly turns around and announces that they've met a girl? I mean, what do you say to that?
Is one supposed to feel hurt? Jealous? Alone?
I mean, when your best friend, who you love more than almost anyone in the world, goes from obsessing about a girl one night to wanting to be with you to suddenly having met a new girl what do you do? It's a confusing, frustrating situation. I don't know quite how to deal with that.
I mean, this is my best friend, for crying out loud. And for all of his talk about giving things a chance and wanting to be with me, for heaven's sake, less than a week later he's out looking for a "new" girl.
Now, this is of course a skewed opinion. Skewed from my point of view. From his point of view, what are things like? Here's this girl who for a year has loved him and stood by him and been his best friend. Who's tried to understand every day he's acted like a jerk, every time he's said something that hurt her feelings. Who's encouraged him through his slumps and rejoiced with him through high points. Who's read his writing and enjoyed it and believed firmly that someday he's going to do something wonderful with his life. A faithful friend.
A month ago I would have been beyond willing to move down and be with him.
Two weeks ago, I was... wondering why I've spent a year waiting on someone whose view of love is that it shouldn't happen to him because it's too dangerous, etcetera. That's fine. People can feel that way. I've felt that way. I do feel that way. And granted, it's only recently I've admitted to myself how completely I've been waitig on him, waiting for something to change, waiting for him to "let" me feel more about him.
And then within the space of a week he goes from obsessing about one girl and announcing that he's so broken up over her that I can expect him to be a complete jerk for the next 3-12 months. And then right after that he announces that he's in love with me and wants to be with me. And now suddenly he's met a girl.
Great. Great. And so now I'm suddenly the one who doesn't understand what love is, what it's about. I'm the one who has no idea what's "really" going on here.
I'm the one who's sat by quietly for a year, just accepting the background and being happy with being his best friend. I'm the one who has put up with every piece of crap from him. I'm the one who's encouraged him through his depressed nights.
But I don't understand what love is.
It's always great to have your best friend make arrogant, belittling comments about you. Is he hurt? Of course he's hurt. People get nasty when they're hurt, just listen to me right now.
The other night we were talking--arguing, really--and discussing a choice that I need to make in my life. A choice that I've made, really. He wouldn't let me choose then. Probably because he knows what I would've chosen.
He knows what I did choose. I haven't had to say it. He knows. Because that's the way we are. He knows me. I know him.
The choice hurt him. But even before I made it, he decided he'd "lost" me, decided to be hurt, decided to act accordingly. That played a big role in the choice, I think. How do you try and be with someone who already assumes he's lost you? That isn't a relationsip. That's trying to love someone who's just waiting for you to leave.
So I made my choice. And it hurt him, I know. Do I regret it?
Do I regret it...
I regret hurting him. But I don't regret my choice. However... it hurts to realize that your best friend is shoving you away with both hands, is keeping you deliberately at arm's length.
It hurts to suddenly realize that the reason you're upset about him meeting some new girl rather than being happy for him is that it feels like he's trying to replace you.
I'm losing my best friend.
My best friend wants me to be lost.
How are you supposed to deal with that?
Love,
Beth
Please come to Boston for the Springtime
I'm stayin' here with some friends
and they've got lotsa room.
You can sell your paintings on the sidewalk
By a café where I hope to be workin' soon
Please come to Boston
She said "No. Would you come home to me?"
And she said, "hey ramblin' boy now won't you settle down?"
"Boston ain't your kinda town.
There ain't no gold and there ain't nobody like me.
I'm the number one fan of the man from Tennessee"
Please come to Denver with the snowfall
We'll move up into the mountains
so far that we can't be found
And throw "I love you" echoes down the canyon
And then lie awake at night till they come back around
Please come to Denver
She said "No. Boy, would you come home to me?"
today, too?