you know..
I suppose in some way I must have done something to deserve this. But it's just hitting me in the fact like nothing ever has before.
Because none of it is true.
And now his friends are writing me to tell me they wish they could hurt me? That I'm a lying, selfish little girl?
well hey, that's what he thinks. No wonder his friends think so too.
One wonders what on earth to say to justify yourself to someone who seems to already be set to disbelieve anything you say. Who's already decided that you're a liar. Who already thinks you deserve to be hurt. Who's glad when you cry.
And on my side.. what?
All of my friends have told me I shouldn't say anything to him. Ever again. I should just ignore it all, should just let it go and that anybody who could talk to me like that isn't worth it. Isn't worth fighting for.
I don't quite know how to explain what it is that makes me want to fight for him.
He is an amazing and brilliant person. One of the most witty people I know. The depths of his heart astonish me. The things that he says when I'm least expecting it. The glimpses of him that I have been so priveleged as to see have taken my breath away.
Surely that's worth fighting for.
Even if I hadn't been too overwhelmed to stay and talk to him, I would have had to go within ten minutes anyway, due to a prior appointment. But it was all so selfish of me. So selfish.
so much of what you say is true.
That makes it all the harder when he says things that aren't true.
When he believes them.
It was so selfish of me to believe him when he said he'd understand. To believe him when he said he'd always be my friend, that I couldn't lose that. That my worst fear was completely unjustified.
It was horrible of me to believe that the reason it hurts me to hurt him is anything other than the fact that I'm losing a precious source of self-affirmation.
At least I haven't let my friends harrass him, much as some of them have wanted to.
So I'm going to go to church, and try and figure out how it could be that everything for the last two years that I've believed was real and every honest word I've ever uttered to him could somehow have been a lie.
Love,
Beth
today, too?