we are made to fight
and fuck, and talk, and fight again
and sit around and laugh until we choke
sit around and laugh until we choke..
I'm in an almost unaccountably sad mood right now. It feels like the end of something is staring me right in the face, like some huge, gaping hole that wants to leap into my heart and stretch it to the breaking point.
It's an Ani Difranco evening. I'm wishing I hadn't told Shawn I'd eat dinner with him. Maybe he'll want to run to the outlets. That might be nice. To just get out and wander around and try to escape this feeling that somehow I'm about to cry.
News hits me slowly sometimes. I'll be ok when I get it, I'll smile and stay cheerful and be brave, and then a half hour or so later, the bottom suddenly drops out from under my feet and that all-too-familiar sinking feeling slinks into the pit of my stomach. The feeling that there's no ground there. The feeling that if you look down, you're going to fall. It would be comical if it wasn't so horrible.
This is the kind of night where, if Alix and EriQ were around, they'd come pick me up and we'd just drive around. Alix and I would sit in the backseat and sing along with a Disney cassette and EriQ would make stupid jokes and laugh his big laugh that is so huge that it makes the rest of the world seem small enough to handle by comparison.
And sooner or later I'd just laugh till I cried. And then I'd cry till I could start laughing again.
and I was giggling and dizzy
flirting like a twelve year old girl
the carnival of you and me is coming back down
watch as we spin and spin
and then fall down
we just say hello, then head for firmer ground..
It's a feeling that's almost a sense of some sort of futility, I guess. I don't really know how to word it.
It's the kind of night where I'll probably spend all evening listening to Ani and not wanting to have anyone near me, yet not wanting to be alone, either. Nights like this last fall I spent walking around the quad at midnight with John, holding hands with him and gladly welcoming the chance to not have to say anything.
I've got studying to do tonight, and suddely I don't at all feel up to doing it.
Things are hard, sometimes. I wish it wasn't so.
I need to go out.
Love,
Beth
i'm cradling the softest, warmest part of you in my hands
feels like a little baby bird
fallen from the nest
i think that your body is something i understand
i think that i'm happy
i think that i'm blessed
i've had a lack of inhibition
i've had a loss of perspective
i've had a little bit to drink
and it's making me think
that i can jump ship and swim
that the ocean will hold me
that there's got to be more
than this boat i'm in
they can call me crazy if i fall
all the chance i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me
i'm moving at the speed of sound
i'm just gonna get my feet wet
until i drown
i teeter between tired
and really, really tired
i'm wiped out and i'm wired
but i guess that's just as well
cuz i've built my own empire
out of car tires and chicken wire
and now i'm queen of my own compost heap
and i'm getting used to the smell
i've had a lack of information
i've had a little revelation
i'm climbing up on the railing
trying not to look down
i'm going to do my best swan dive
into shark infested waters
i'm going to pull out my tampon
and start splashing around
cuz i don't care if they eat me alive
i've got better things to do than survive
i've got the memory of your warm skin in my hands
and i've got a vision of blue sky and warm land
i'm cradling the hardest, heaviest part of me in my hands
the ship is pitching and heaving
our limbs are bobbing and weaving
i think this is something i understand
i think i need a couple vaccinations
for my far-away vacation
i'm gonna go ahead and go boldly
cuz a little bird told me
that jumping is easy
and falling is fun
right up unitl you hit the sidewalk
shivering and stunned
they can call me crazy if i fall
all the chance i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me
i'm moving at the speed of sound
i'm just going to get my feet wet
until i drown
today, too?