I've been depressed off and on today. I think in part it's just that I'm tired and getting sick. I caught Carolynn's cold--my glands are swollen and my throat's sore.
There's a lot more involved in it than that, though. There's Leif, for one thing. He's a big factor in all of this. For all that everyone has said about him having hurt me.. he's my Leif. My dear friend. The friend who I can tell anything to. Who used to feel like he could tell me anything.
There were two weeks or so--not really more, I don't think--where we were closer than we've ever been before. He told me things I never thought I'd hear. I saw the inside of his heart in a way that confirmed everything I've always wanted to believe about him and had such little evidence for believing until then.
After something like that, is it inevitable that if we don't enter into a relationship of the exclusive type, the type wherein we would be lovers and not just friends, we will begin to diminish? Ever since those few amazing nights we spent, staying up till all hours of the night and just talking, being more open than ever before... ever since then, he's been slipping away from me.
One thing in it that's hard is that it is my fault. It's my fault that I'm losing my best friend. I made a choice that excluded him from the place he wanted to be. Could I have chosen otherwise? I don't know.
But it's my fault. I hurt and am now losing my best friend. I don't want to say it too much for fear it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. After all, what proof do I have?
I just feel that.. we hardly ever talk anymore. And when we do, it's nothing special. Nothing close. I feel ignored, to tell the truth. When we talk, he seems so easily to get distracted, to forget that I'm there.. waiting for a reply.. waiting for him to say something.
At least I'm back into a familiar position. I'm used to waiting for Leif. It was confusing when things were turned around the other way.
sigh.
So I guess that's got me depressed. I'm afraid of losing my friend. Tonight I've been tempted to call him, save that I suppose he must be at work or he'd be online.. wouldn't he? Here's when I go into neurotic, paranoid girl mode. Maybe he's hiding from me. Maybe he is there and just doesn't want to talk to me. Maybe if I called, he wouldn't want to talk to me.
Maybe if I don't call, I'm losing a chance. A chance at what? He's given up on us already. It's evident in so many things he says to me. If he's willing to give up on us being close then what wonder is it that we'd eventually stop being so?
My mood has been one of sharp ups and downs tonight. As long as I'm alone, it's down. The moment someone else is there, talking to me, distracting me, things are alright again.
I shouldn't be dependent on other people like that. I shouldn't need my distraction to come from someone else. It shouldn't matter so terribly that Leif isn't there, that Andrew's away, that Toni's offline, that Phil isn't talking to me..
What's come of many recent events is another huge turnaround in my life. A huge one. One that's going to have impact on me for years.
Darn it all, I just got over the last one. It's hardly even been six months since the last major upheaval in my life and already there's another one? Why? this isn't fair.
Leif and I are never going to have another summer like we did this one. I wish I'd savored it more. I wish I'd let myself think about the fact that it was the end of something so wonderful.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it isn't happening like that at all. Maybe it's just me being overtired and ill and neurotic.
I don't know what else to say.
Love,
Beth
so tonight
so I lied
are you the now or never kind?
in a day
and a day, love
I'm gonna be gone for good again..
here's a toast
to all those who hear me all too well
here's to the nights we felt alive
here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
here's to goodbye
tomorrow's gone and come too soon..
Eve 6, Here's to the Night
today, too?